stinky ideas

I Have To

2010-06-03T15:03:00.002+08:00

I have to stop being amazed at the immense talent that I see. It always makes my heart race.

I have to stop laughing at your antics. My soul giggles like crazy.

I have to stop liking your handsome face. Your smile never fails to make me blush.

I have to stop remembering our intertwined hands. I don't feel secure without it.

I have to stop asking for our hugs. I'm afraid I won't be able to let go.

I have to stop wanting for your kiss. I am frozen in time each time.

I have to stop loving you. I'm afraid you'll never do love me too.

roadblocks.

2010-04-26T10:43:00.002+08:00

anger always kills the deal. we think of regrets and giving up, and it screws up our rationalizations we get lost in all the drama. how could we get past this is it makes us deaf and blind to each other? how could any of what we say make a difference?

i agree to disagree, but we know more than enough of each other that it's not worth hating each other. our disagreements have been too personal, and somehow our closeness has blurred the line of "i just have something to say" with "i'm saying this to take it against you". the latter is never the case. i believe we're something bigger than this. we have lost the words to comfort and console each other. i thought we've jumped over the roadblock, but the same roadblock caught up with us again. all i could do is pray to the high heaven we can get over this.

can u take my hand again, please?

why it hurts

2010-04-16T14:27:00.002+08:00

- because i could never really be the project you aimed to conquer
- because i could never really erase the pain she caused despite our happiness
- because i'm never really who you ever wanted, i just came by surprise
- because i'm the only one here with you, and maybe i'm your last choice, i'm the only one

the secret garden

2010-03-19T14:26:00.002+08:00

There I hide among the the bushes and the thorns. There I wait for the picnic, sitting or lying down on a piece of cloth I change often till you come, gripping the sheet or running my palms across it to revive remnants of memories. It is always a private party for two composed of food, talk, sleep, embraces, hands, sweat, games, kisses. It is always just for me and you, and with this, I've settled. A private picnic, with private memories, locked joys within ourselves.

Me & You (18 Feb 2010)

2010-02-18T13:57:00.000+08:00

It’s a fine thought

I am yours, and you are mine

People say this all the time

We’re a popular choice

*Is it all that’s left

To complete the puzzle

How we seem like the perfect pair

In a happily ever after

We’ve passed this road countless times

We’ve laughed and cried to hear us say

We’re not an us

But a me & you *

Hearts break

People change

Not us, coz we’re

Good as just me & you *

…We’re good as a me & you

Seeing forever.

2010-02-15T11:37:00.003+08:00

It's not rocket science for me to figure things out, especially when it deals with having to choose who matters to me and who I'm hoping to be by my side for the rest of my life. Isn't each moment a glimpse of what can be? The present and the past three years are enough for me to see infinity unless fate slices us apart. We are our better selves now, and we can be the best together. In this unconventional box came such wonderful awakenings and learning...and the road to forever holds so much more mysteries I'd like to explore with you, adventures that we could take in foreign lands, a hundred percent sure that we'll enjoy each other's company. There isn't anything I won't try, there isn't anything I won't do.

Would u do the same too? Has it ever crossed your mind already?

All you have to do is just to take my hand.

the last page.

2010-01-23T09:29:00.004+08:00

i see the end of days, and my instinct is to explore the world, maybe rather recklessly, because it will stop spinning soon.

in the eclipse of my core, i'd try to find the light's brightest source to blot out the remaining shadows.

i'd seek the highest highs, so my last breath would gasp a wonderful breathlessness.

i'd unearth and share a love till its last drop.

i'd put my heart in my hand and give it away, because it's the only thing that makes my body alive.

every time it is surrender, because my soul doesn't thrive on lifelessness.

who i am is not mine to keep. who i am is the part & parcel that you'd like to have.

you say what it's not...

2009-09-25T14:17:00.005+08:00

...when it has always been. if you tear your chest open i wonder what it will say, i wonder what it will tell you. underneath all the layers, would you be surprised if you knew what the bottomline is? it's buried under the earth that you threw over it, yet like a faucet you expect your self-built plumbing to be connected to the waters below to quench your thirst, ease your hunger, satisfy your urges. you run to it on every dry spell, you turn it on to bathe you in its wonder.

ambrosia. it's for the gods, yet it is also for humankind.

its essence tugs you during its absence, you feel just half the person you should be without it...at your worst, you feel dead. it is the spring of life, the antidote for eternity experienced in its temporality.

if you say you don't know what i'm talking about, you're kidding me. when you acknowledge what it's not, you already know what is, based on your awareness. you just have to be convinced that it is.

until then, i will reserve saying i told you so.

senses.

2009-09-23T16:00:00.005+08:00

systems overload.

i've become familiar with your scent. comfort envelopes me when i bury my face in your hair, on your neck.

i feel secure when our fingers grip, seeing them intertwined gives me solace knowing that there is something solid and tangible to hold on to. your embrace covers me completely, and i feel safe in it like no one can harm me.

your skin is a curious terrain of different textures. having my fingers glide over them makes me tingle with excitement of what is there to discover, or how pressing one place could ignite a burst of hidden passions.

your laugh is infectious. your smile is sunshine. your low voice melts, your high voice thrills. your whispers electrify.

it is of glorious pleasure to partake of one at a time, or all together in undulating beats. it is joy over and over, a myriad of peaks obtained that hits the body and craves for it incessantly.

choosing ignorance.

2009-07-04T10:01:00.002+08:00

there are a lot of things that i should not have known. i surely would have been able to deal with them, but still, knowing where it's going adds frustration to that sure trajectory that nothing will ever come out of it. there are things that are best kept for that perfect timing. sometimes knowing things are pre-emptive of the experience. some people think that it's hard to deal with an unknown opponent, but i think it is also hard to deal with what you already know. it is hard to box and put boundaries on animals called desires and feelings, because they're the wildest ones to tame. sometimes it is hardest to not acknowledge them at all, to pretend they don't exist when they're real and happening to you. sometimes you wish your mind can be programmed to shut off and filter what the ear can always unwillingly hear. when one chooses to not know, it is a choice to not inflict pain.

i should have learned this by now. i will now put on my mufflers.

vortex.

2009-01-30T15:46:00.002+08:00

I am drawn into
the
whirlpool
of you
spin
me
faster
but the
spin
grips me immobile

Can I take a lifeline?
I need to MOVE and be free.

confessions.

2008-08-27T15:14:00.002+08:00

it was a mistake for you to kiss me, it is a mistake for you to think that things won't change. reality check honey, it usually does. how could it ever be forgettable when it was such a sweet surprise? how can i erase it from my head when it was the kind that i had always wanted? slow, sweet, romantic...i felt how your heart beat loudly against mine, the tight embrace that warmed me to the soul. i didn't mind because it was you, and you knew me, saw my quirks, heard my thoughts, inside and out. the comfort emanated to long stretches despite your sometimes absence in my life, and that comfort got stronger because that moment felt like the closest possible ever i could share with you. a moment.

entwined fingers...i was appeased from fears.

my love for you didn't change, but you grew up in front of my eyes, and sometimes grown-up people are harder to deal with. i am now scared of how grown-up you were that time, my greatest fear being that it's going to be considered another grown-up, meaningless moment. then you'll be one of them now. that you didn't see me differently, that i am not special, that it was nothing.

but stay there, it was enough. enough to confirm that you are dear to me, enough to confirm that our normal affections could envelope that kiss. it's not fair to ask for more, though my mind crazily thinks that everything would be really easy. i love you enough, you love me enough. so what's the point? so many things, but i'm keeping it simple. you're safe, and i'm fine.

i just like thinking of that moment. i hope you do too.

2008-04-02T09:28:00.002+08:00

balot ng karimlan, sa bantayog na tago, nagmamasid, sinisilip ang di mapigilang pag-usbong ng bagong pag-ibig. umuulan ng makikinang na bagay, rosas nakasaboy sa lapag. dalawang nilalang na nagyapos sa tuwa sa saliw ng mga kantang sinasabi ang hindi mabanggit. sa gitna ng kanilang tuwa, sa gitna ng kadiliman, malayo ang loob ko sa pantasyang pinatotoo. iginuhit ng panahon na di ko makamtan ang nasasaksihan. walang lungkot, walang kirot. wala. hindi rin matanto ng isip ang lamig na ganito sa gitna ng kanilang init. iba na nga ako sa kanila, sa kanilang nagsisimula pa lang malaman kung ano ang tumulay, tumaya, tumahan sa ngalan ng pag-ibig. malayo ako, malayong malayo na nabura na sa isip at damdamin ang kalagayang nakita.

the same song

2007-10-10T15:55:00.000+08:00

Different words in a
same pattern
A vicious cycle
of yes and no’s

Flourescent bright
turns
dim pinlights
Blinding then dimming

Engulfed
by the shadows
The same melodies
of discordant ends

-10/10/07

manifestations

2007-01-31T11:15:00.000+08:00

upon waking, the pinch at the heart remains. even if you, me and her were a blur of faces in an altered state of consciousness, the pain was REAL. i remembered HER, in a white shirt. i remember her crying, i remember me just looking. i was just standing there, a spectator, hurting at the view. your face never clearly showed, but you were frantic and confused over HER crying because my friends took initiative to revenge me by driving her to tears. i felt guilt and helplessness. it is not me to wish anyone ill. i didn't have any control over it, but in real life, you had...

i wonder if you have dreams like this too. and i wonder who you comfort. i'm pretty sure though that you remember in your head that you see my tears falling, so i'm pretty sure in your dreams, you know that you hurt me. when u wake, in your conscious state, i'm still a hazy imagined hologram you try to know because u forget...because i'm ur subconscious just at the back of your head.

deja vu

2006-11-07T10:04:00.000+08:00

ulit-ulit na sinasambit

inaalalang pilit

nakapikit

ipit

kasayahang higit

yakap kay higpit

picket fences

2006-10-31T10:16:00.000+08:00

alarm bells ring
on forbidden ground

one can only peek
maybe touch walls

motion sensors
lower or heighten

a scale of horizon
brighten or darken

perspective of you.

palabas

2006-09-12T09:33:00.000+08:00

sumusubaybay sa araw-araw
at walang sawang tinatangkilik
istorya ng buhay ng iba.

nag-aabang.

walang kasawaan sa paghintay
at minsa'y pagtuklas
na sana mawala ang mga ngiti

pero hindi.

kahibangang drama
sa masayang sine
na malayo pa ang katapusan

tagahanga.

snow globe

2006-08-09T16:55:00.000+08:00

shaken world
reveals
feathery dusts
of heaven

winged memories
of a season
made ethereal
revived

when they settle

-09 aug 06

framed

2006-07-27T10:06:00.000+08:00

Standing inside the box
of heavenly smiles
delightful bliss
of sights
sounds
HER.

Countless boxes
fingers fail to count
the same you
with whom
you forget
the world

pain glorified
because I
stand outside
watching just
watching
NOT included with you.

love letter to no one part 2

2006-05-27T11:10:00.000+08:00

i don't know if things will change if you knew the lengths my arms stretched just to reach out to you. you're a living embodiment of differance, the french philosophical term for the continuous deferment of meaning, a slippery living blob that avoids being pinned down. i just have to sigh when i remember how it is with you right now, and how things will be. the clarity of it all is beginning to dawn on me, and how other people are probably right about what they say about such behavior. your ivory tower has displayed its armaments, and i am giving up on ever climbing it. yes, i am close to shouting out my resignation. i'm too much of a coward to even tell you that i love you, because i'm dreading it won't really matter. i'm already betting 50% it won't. it won't matter to you that you are special to me, it won't matter to you that i loved you the very first time i saw you :(

a dream

2006-05-22T16:45:00.000+08:00

the more i try to recall, the more that it slips away like fine sand through my fingers. must have been the pent-up longing of you to materialize, to be tangible. you stand at my doorpost, staring intently at me, looking serious even. next scene: lying side by side. my eyes are closed, feeling the phantom kiss that searches my lips. emotions are absent, just the tactile feeling of soft flesh sucking gently and tasting each lip. i forgot if our bodies ever touched...i forgot. next scene: my sister barging in the room, our make-out interrupted. you spring to sit-up, and then details are forgotten.

it wasn't the kind of dream that pretends that someone you want to be there is replaced by a different person but is still that person you wanted to be with.

in my dream, it was really you.

too bad i only get to meet you in dreams. till then...

till then.

sulat ng konsiyensiya

2006-05-02T20:16:00.000+08:00

Bakas sa 'yong mukha ang pagka-ulilang nakakaawa, sa pagtaghoy gabi-gabi na siya ang para sa 'yo. Iniisip ko, kung para sa'yo siya, ba't parang hindi niya alam? Hihintayin mong matauhan? Tanga. Lungkot na lungkot ka, kasi wala kang uuwian ngayong uwian na. Nakalagay pa rin ang alaala niya sa tuktok ng eskaparate kung saan nilalagay mo rin ang mga pangarap mo. Pero sa lahat ng nakalagay doon, yung sa kanya lang ang malabong matupad. Pilit mong iniintindi na may posibilidad, pilit mong iniintindi kung bakit hindi. Naaasar ka na dahil pumili ka na, kahit may mga iba pang putahe ang naalay sa iyo. Mas gusto mo pa rin ang "comfort food" mo. Sana baguhin mo na ang panlasa mo, dahil tatabang lang yan hanggang mawala na ang tamis. Parang bubblegum. Nasipsip mo na ang lahat ng kailangan, kaya wala na siyang silbi. Itapon mo na. Nangalahati ka na ba sa pag-nguya mo? Itinapon mo na nga, sinubo mo ulit. Magandang gawain iyan. Hindi talaga siguro mangyayari ang pagka-tuto hanggang hindi ka pa nalalason. Hanggang hindi mo nalalaman na masama ang isang bagay sa iyo. Maging ang tao nakakasama. Lohikal na pag-iisip ang mag-desisyong lumayo sa mga taong hindi nakakabuti sa iyo. Hindi lubusang maiintindihan ng puso ang kalinawan ng pag-iisip, kasi nakabase sa damdamin ang galaw nito. Ang hiwaga na hindi maiintindihan. Kaya't ang kaya lang intindihin ang gawin mo. Huwag mo nang piliting tahakin ang hindi mo kakayanin. Mamamalas mo ang liwanag ng buhay sa mga malinaw na sagot, hindi ng atras-abanteng nararanasan mo. Walang makapipigil sa isang taong umiibig at gustong umibig. Sa ayaw…wala ring makapipigil sa kanya. Huwag mo lang hayaan ang sarili mong maghintay dahil baka hindi ikaw ang hinihintay niya. Iba pala.

Sinasabihan ka na niya na matuwa na sa buhay mo, hindi pa ba sapat iyon? Namumuhay siyang masaya na wala ka, namumuhay ka na may nakalaan pang pwesto sa tabi mo na hindi niya hangad. Malinaw pa sa sikat ng araw ito. Tumatango ka na. Sana tanggapin mo na ang buong katotohanan. Nasa kalahati ka na. May huli ka pang mga barahang ibabagsak kung bibigyan ng pagkakataon. Tapusin mo na ang laro. Mas mahirap na taya ang nagawa mo na noon, ano ang hihirap pa sa paglakad palayo? Sana sa susunod na gawin mo ito, wag ka na lumingon. Tumatawag lang siya. Hindi siya naghahabol. Hindi ka rin naman niya hahabulin, huwag na lang. Ang talagang mahalaga ay hindi hinahayaan na lang. Hindi ka maghihintay kung kelan ka handa. Dahil hindi kailan man posible ang maging handa sa kahit anong bagay o pangyayari. Hinayaan ka na niya mawala minsan, hahayaan ka lang niya ulit. Katulad ngayon. At sa uulitin. Umuwi ka na sa katahimikan, kahit walang uuwian..

geisha

2006-04-05T09:51:00.000+08:00

she paints her lips the color of her mood. fire, ice, rosy, nude. she desperately conceals her shattered soul by sweeping cream under her eyes, veins that saw night to day. she waves her magic wand to create an arch over her brows, extending, in the process, what is short, then creates a shadow on her nosebridge to elongate a stubby nose. her lids are lined with kohl, to emphasize her almond eyes that sell her soul. finally, she pats the powder that will put all of the pieces together to create her daily mask. it is a routine, to prepare for a performance that she herself admits to fail to perform well, but performs nevertheless. she steps out of her small compartment that hides her ritual, to dance her intricate dance, to smile the effort-ful smile, to charm clients to their feet. she teases, she imposes, she remains firm despite trembly knees.

she is not allowed to weep, all the more love. beneath the beautiful face she grips her heart as tight as the knot of an invisible kimono sash to maintain her poise close to icy-ness. she is quaint but unique, she is tender yet harsh. she is broken, but continues to pirouette along with the dizzying fever of the life she had to live, a life she did not even want.

she learns to live with abandonment, of numerous lovers who failed to see through her pale face. she learns to be alone, because no man has fit the role to join her in dance, to hold her fingers tight as the world and her fit spin her faster. no man has given her a dip but did not let go of her arching back. her back has grown callouses of these transient men letting her fall at the climax of the passionate song. her neck cranes for a warm soul still, her eyes lighting up at sweet murmurs of promises.

but she has learned. she can kiss with a fire that is devoid of emotion, she has learned of crushing embraces that do not need but want, and realized she can live with aimless intimacy of strangers that tug her hair and grip her with viselike roughness.

she is a geisha.

3 mos

2006-03-17T09:00:00.000+08:00

rock skimming water

sinking

slow, ever slowly
absorbed by

fathoms
undercurrents sway
the drop
before
setting on a seabed,
sand covering
stone.

buried to oblivion.

foibles

2006-01-21T01:38:00.000+08:00

i know thy thoughts
beyond such eyes can see
where the heart would.
trained
to spot quivers
and slips

walls

invisible yet are
felt
with a thud
muffled replies
on crevices torn
shut

aletheia

2006-01-10T13:35:00.000+08:00

sugar coated thoughts
with pleasurable realities
dire needs, wanting
guarded motions
skeptic
but
believer
anxiety overload

warmth unfold

symphony

2006-01-03T22:15:00.000+08:00

3 quarters of a strain
different strokes
of staccato entrances
and ritard goodbyes
on hold
this one
of a different melody
the discord
fading
into the background
glorious swell
of an
unfinished piece.

2005-12-16T21:57:00.000+08:00

chasing memories
of flitting smiles
and
intense glances

like
a
glove,
fit
like
a
T

swayed
by utterances
of warmth
exuding

kindred spirits on
a parallel plane of comfort

there, i reside.

pananahan

2005-12-12T12:14:00.000+08:00

Dumating na
ang oras ng pagbitaw,
para dumanas ng di inaasahan.

Ibubulalas,
loob na kinimkim
sa bagong sisidlan

umaasang hindi na
mababasag o masisira;
mag-iingat sa paglimlim.

Sa kanlungan
nilalaan
ang kahihinatnan.

44 Sunsets

2005-08-12T11:38:00.000+08:00

Faint images

Of sunless nights,
Reluctance to traverse

Mute, barren lands,

Ghosts of a whisper.

Over
And
Over

FAREWELL, FARE WELL

I drag, each time, my chair
To sit on this tiny planet

Hand on chin

Orange hides..

Waving, waving.

Ulan

2005-06-29T16:26:00.000+08:00

Tatakasan ba kita?
Parang alaalang bumabagsak
Ang pilit na paghabol
sa dadampian

Saksi ang langit
ang malamig na simoy
Ikaw din ba, patak,
ang sumalamin sa ligaya?

Panandalian
Paglaho pagdating sa paroroonan
Babalik din sa langit
Hahanap ng aambunan

- 26 june 2005

Craving

2005-06-29T16:22:00.000+08:00

It is not the brightness of morning
Nor the freshness of air
Not a hearty breakfast
Not the blue skies ahead

It is not the cheery atmosphere
Nor peals of laughter
Not the sweetness of sweets
Not the cool breeze that kisses my face

It is the absence of your presence
The cold your warmth left
The loving gaze of a ghost
It's you...

-9 june 2005

to you know who part 1

2004-12-13T16:15:00.000+08:00

It’s been six months since you told me goodbye. You passed by my house last night, and I was there, but you didn’t notice. You were rushing to go somewhere with a friend, and I was there talking with my friends too. I wanted to forbid you to step on my territory, but was super curious on how you were. You looked okay, despite everything, but I didn’t want you to be okay. I wanted your life to be miserable for what you did to me and NOT look okay with the way you handled things. You left a message in my blog telling me happy birthday, and that you hope we see each other in our dreams. I saw you in my dreams last night, and the details of your life were haunting me. I want you to get out of my system, because I’m almost there, almost completely forgetting you, but now you came along again. I started wondering about our past, and imagined if in my memories you treated me well. I don’t know if my standards were just too high, but you’ve cheated on me countless times, you ignored me for what seemed like an accumulated equivalent of eternity, but you told me you loved me. you wasted words and promises. Effort? Did you sweat blood over our fights and cried buckets? I don’t think you did. I want to hate you completely, but I can’t. I want to drown you in a river, so you’ll feel how it is to gasp for air to breathe, and to see your whole life with me flash in your eyes. But you’re okay…and I’m not. How unfair is that? Why is the sun shining down on you? Why aren’t you breaking down? Why did you leave my life screwed up and things are working well with you despite being without me? It’s as if I wasn’t there…Damn you...

the fall season

2004-11-19T15:36:00.000+08:00

The air drifts away remnants
of memories
clinging desperately to branches
of joyous strands
and dripping sentimentality

Days pass by as they lose
vibrance, bursting color
Transformed to withered dryness
thirsty for the fall of grace
to join the blanket below

Crunch, crackle, snap
Embedded to the earth
Time capsule of a time
lost and loved
Ready to sleep and be forgotten

'till time awakens it again…

october winter

2004-10-14T09:30:00.000+08:00

Drafts of sleet
Cover my head fast
But it doesn’t surprise
My already numb head

I try to speak
But the words
Froze before it gushed
then chilled my throat

The frostbite breaks in…
Deeply…too painful to move,
Too frosty to thaw
Too deadened to hope for…

13 october

hiram

2004-10-14T09:16:00.000+08:00

Nandiyan ka.
Pero di kita pinansin
Huramintado na,
Di pa rin kita nakita...

Nung wala akong marinig,
Hiniram ka na pala.

Nandito ako.
Walang pumapansin
Huramintado na,
Pero dumating ka.

Sa sandaling paglapit,
Hiniram muna kita.

Nandoon siya.
Di mo pinapansin.
Huramintado na,
Nagmamakaawa...

Nung hindi na makayanan
Binawi ka na.

Paalam na ba?
Kanya ka na pala.
Bitaw na ako…

Bitaw na…

13 october

hinagpis

2004-10-12T15:54:00.000+08:00

Ito yata ang madalas kong gawin. Ito yata ang madalas mangyari sa buhay ko. Katulad din siguro ng ibang tao, pero sa karamihan yata ng kakilala ko, ako lang ang may kumplikadong mundo katulad nito. Siguro, iba-ibang lebel lang ang pahirap ng buhay na ito. Pero wala pa rin akong makitang kasing lala ng pinagdaanan ko, at pinagdadaanan pa.

Sabi nga nila, hindi daw ibibigay ng Diyos sa iyo ang pagsubok kung hindi mo kaya. Kung ganun, ayoko nang maging matatag. Kasi sa mga matatag at matatapang lang daw binibigay ang mga ganitong pagsubok. Bwiset. Oo, matatag din ako, pero gusto ko nang bumigay. Ang sabi-sabi din, may paghihirap sa mundong ito dahil tinuturuan tayo ng Diyos at ng buhay ng mga ugaling kailangan dapat matandaan…katulad ng pagpapakumbaba at pagpapatawad ng kapwa. Kung hindi pa ba naman sapat ang pagpapakumbaba at pagpapatawad na ginawa ko….

Sa pangalawang beses pero sa magkaibang panahon, umulit yata ang sinumpa kong ayoko nang mangyari. Sinasabi ba nito na ganito ako kahina bilang tao at pumasok nanaman ako sa sitwasyong alam kong ganun din ang kalalabasan? Sinasabi ba nitong malaking hadlang ako lagi at kailangang magparaya? Sinasabi ba nitong paulit-ulit na ganito ang mangyayari sa akin hanggang sa matuto akong huwag nang tumbukin ang hindi dapat?

Oo, matigas ang ulo ko. Alam ko na sarili ko lang ang masisisi ko dahil sa mga nangyayari dahil ginusto ko. At gusto ko kasi malaman ang mga sagot kaya lumundag nanaman ako. Pero ganun talaga ang pagtataya. Kalinawan ng isip ang naka-sugal, at sakit ng dibdib ang kailangang pagdaanan para malaman ang katotohanan.

Masakit ang katotohanan ng mga masaklap na pangyayari. At masakit ang katotohanan na hindi permanente ang mga tao at mga emosyong masasaya. Kailangan tanggapin ang mga taong makakasakit sa iyo ng todo. Kailangan ding pabayaan umalis ang mga taong kailangan umalis sa buhay mo. Kailangang bukal ang loob mo sa pagbabago ng takbo ng mundo mo, at bubulagain ka ng mga pangyayaring sa panaginip mo lang naiisip. Susukatin ang pagka-matatag mo sa mga pagsubok na nasabi ko, at may mga pagkakataong dadapa ka sa bigat ng papasanin mo…

Pagkatapos ng lungkot, saya. Kung halos ayoko nang tumawa kasi kasunod na ang pag-iyak. Nakakapagod na eh. Pero katulad ng mga ‘inspirational’ na libro, huwag daw kalimutang kapulutan ng aral ang mga nangyari. Hanapin ang bahaghari pagkatapos ng ulan kamo, o ang ‘silver lining’ ng bawat ulap. Ito yata ang isa sa mga pinaka-mahirap gawin kung nagluluksa ka sa isang kamatayan, isang pagkabigo, isang pagkadapa.

*buntong hininga

Pagkatapos nitong delubyong ito, magiging okey na naman siguro ako. Sana nga. Pero matagal ako lumimot. Sana hindi ko kailangan gawin iyon…

hindi pala ikaw

2004-09-23T16:44:00.000+08:00

hindi pala ikaw
ang itinadhana ng langit...
wala ka sa disenyo ng kosmos
na nagtatahi sa akin sa malaking
lambat ng buhay

ngunit dadaan ka na parang bulalakaw
na mainit at lalamig...
isang pangarap na matatapos
sa isang iglap
ngunit nagbigay ningning na panandalian

hindi ikaw ang naghihintay sa dulo ng daan
pero kailangan kong likuan…
gusto kong huminto at masilayan
ang nakakapukaw na misteryo
ng iyong pagpapakita

malinaw na hindi ikaw...
pero mananatiling ikaw hanggang sa
hayaan ng panahon na limutin kita…

guest poet

2004-09-09T09:29:00.000+08:00

A Dream for Noone.

Shared to me by Iceman

That calmness,

Your shoulder.

That solace,

Your lips.

Begins and ends.

Shades of rogue,

Follow my slumber.

Awakens.

Disrupts.

Beguiles.

Gentle kisses of a faint

Breeze,

Feel my face.

And

Embrace the fibers beneath.

Transcendence

Leaps beyond itself,

Finding nothingness

In your arms.

Memories of fancy

Like a gentle drizzle,

Caress the scalp,

Beneath the waves.

Circumscribe me.

Envelop me.

Possess me.

Then go.

The ambiguity

Of ashes fluttering

Near the embers

And the stars.

Leap!

My love

Let go.

Surrender.

Purple clouds,

Hazy, misty.

Erupts.

Disappears.

Sometimes I see

Window panes

With faces.

Sometimes.

Everywhere,

Autumn recedes,

And I seek it,

Tomorrow.

Love.

Then leave.

Your trace I seek

No more.

let you go (meant to be song lyrics)

2004-08-24T14:31:00.000+08:00

You’re good for me
That’s what your heart says
We’re not meant to be
The world says we’ll part ways

What should we do?
What should we say?
We’re deep into this
How can I find a way?

*I should let you go
From the very beginning, this is what I know
How can I start? Baby it’s hard to be apart
But I should let you go

You’re my light
Leaving you will dim my life
Hold me tight
To be away is such strife

What should we do?
What should we say?
We’re deep into this
How can I find a way?

BRIDGE:

You made your way
Why can’t you stay?
Loving you is my reality
Let me be for a little while longer
I’ll just keep you today, if not forever

an ode to my mother

2004-08-22T11:31:00.000+08:00

Patapon ba ang buhay ko kapag sinabi ko
Na mas importante ang mga oras na
Nilalaan na makinig sa isang kaibigan
Kaysa ayusin ang di ko matapos-tapos
Na gulo ng kwarto ko?

Patapon ba ang buhay ko na sa tensyon ng trabaho
Mas gusto kong matulog at tumulala sa kawalan
Kahit nag-iipon ng alikabok ang mga eskaparateng
Walang buhay at nandiyan lang?

Patapon na ba ang buhay ko dahil siyam na oras
Kong pag-iisip sa iba sa isang opisina ay isipin ko
Naman magliwaliw na maglakad ng mag-isa,
O kaya mag-‘unwind’ sa pagbabasa ng libro?

Patapon na ba ang buhay ko kung gusto kong
Magmahal at makapiling ang mga totoong tao
Kaysa pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga gamit na
Hindi gumagalaw at makakapaghintay?

glass heart

2004-08-18T10:25:00.000+08:00

encased in an intricate web
of thorns and vines
it pulsates and glows faintly

to see it clearly one has to peek
and pry the thorns away erstwhile
getting gashes and cuts

peeling away the vines will show
it is these exact thorns
that hold it together

it is broken
and shattered
to bits and pieces

but it emanates a love
that each bit has
continually nurtured

catch a piece of it
it is yours
to keep…

the bridge

2004-08-15T13:57:00.000+08:00

Midway I stand
Sullen, forlorn
Rooted on the spot
Not daring to go
Left or right

To be the cause yet to console
To bear, but to give
To selfishness, but to be generous
To love, but to live,
To grasp, but to let go

Until fate pushes me to walk
Unless rough winds drag me yonder
Until heaven weeps to mourn
Until the sun burns and scathes
Until the earth trembles and shakes…

…I will stand my ground (loving you)…

tampo

2004-08-05T14:44:00.000+08:00

Dahil sa kakitiran ng utak
Dahil sa bugso ng damdamin
May mga salitang akong nasambit
At nakasakit

Sa isang iglap, nagbago lahat
Parang itinali sa kadena kaya
Lumubog ang damdamin
At tanong ay bakit

Kahit gustong bawiin
Luha’y di mapigil
Hindi magawang huminahon
At saka pumikit

Sana maalis na itong kirot
At mapatawad ng husto
Sa di pagkaka-unawaan
Dahil sa isang hirit

the hunted

2004-08-03T12:42:00.000+08:00

I was overly protective of HER, HER whose same blood runs through my veins. We had waded through swamps, travelled in tinted cars and hid in houses that won’t seem to lock it’s doors and windows. It was always an urgent flight. Hiding behind pillars and running, always running. I am enveloped by fear but at the same time resigned that I would fight the assassin threatening to kill family, and whom I won’t give up till my body is lifeless and cold. I prepare myself mentally, knowing that I’m scared, but that I have courage that will be enough to wield it’s power to defeat helplessness, and only this matters…

(from last night's dream)
03 aug 04

the exit

2004-08-03T12:01:00.000+08:00

There were choir boys or priests, I’m not sure, all sitting in a semi-circle on an altar, all in white robes. Robes that looked like Dominican friar’s robes to be exact. The altar was a haze of gold, and the ornate carvings were a blur. I was afraid to approach them, but I had to, in pursuit of something. On it’s left was a wooden door that I had to go to, and instead of opening it, I stepped right through it and melted into it like a ghost. There stood a woman in a medieval gown, of ivory I think, who had metal brandishings on the neckline and the waist. She gave me the SOMETHING I needed. I grabbed it, and was on my way out when she warned me that the door would lead me to another dimension, and that the exit would always keep on changing whenever I went "out". I took the "exit" on my first try…I don’t remember the place at all. The second try I was dangling from a vine of a tree, and thousands of feet below were the light green tops of a lush tropical forest on a bright morning that stretched as far as I could see. From then on I don’t remember if I got back to where I originally came from…

(from my Monday night dream)
03 Aug 04

yosi break

2004-07-28T10:07:00.000+08:00

tahimik na pagtanaw
sa malawak na kawalan
hithit sa patpat at
hinanapan ng kahulugan
ang payapang binibigay ng
puting binubuga

sa pagkakatayo at
tahimik na kinalalagyan
kuliglig nagwawala
pagkatapos ng ulan
hanging malamig
na humahampas sa mukha

inuubos ang upos
sinasagad hanggang dulo
hilo sa usok na
nanunuot sa dugo
inapakan na ang bisyo
at ang sandaling katahimikan

28 july 04

2004-07-19T16:54:00.000+08:00

Parang kulang ang salita
para mailarawan ang tamis ng pagsuyo
ng isang nagmamahal sa kanyang minamahal

Parang kulang ang salita para mabigkas
ang kalaliman ng pag-ibig na
nanatiling misteryo

Parang kulang ang salita
para sa nag-uumapaw na kaligayahan
sa tuwi-tuwina

Parang kulang din ang salita sa
maligalig na pakikipagbuno sa
hindi inaasahan

Parang kulang din ang salita sa
lalim ng pait na madarama sa isang
pagkawala

Parang kulang din ang salita sa
paalam na walang hanggang
dusa at lungkot

Kulang ang salita sa kahit ano’ng nasabi na
pero hindi pa rin nasasabi…

baffled

2004-07-13T11:22:00.000+08:00

You who have breathed life to my soul
You who have blessed my spirit with wonder
You who have gifted me with creative fervor
You who have clothed my being with love

You who have heard my anguished cries
You who have received all of my hate
You who have seen my hopelessness
You who gave silence to my gravest prayers

Have not led me to a clear path
Have not shared my life’s purpose
Have sunk me to rock bottom
Have left me swinging at the edge of a cliff

aimlessly wandering a rocky journey
hopeless for a happy future
puzzled on a senseless existence
all questions remain unanswered

13 july 2004

paano na?

2004-07-10T11:27:00.000+08:00

Paano na kung lilisanin mo na ako
Na walang pangakong magbabalik pa?

Paano na kung maghahanap ako ng kausap
Sa gitna ng gabi at hindi mo na ako papakinggan?

Paano na kung nanlalamig ang mga kamay ko
At wala akong ibang makakapitan?

Paano na kung sa tindi ng lungkot
Hindi ko mahanap ang iyong mga ngiti?

Paano na kung ako’y natatakot at
Hindi ko maramdaman ang yakap mong mahigpit?

Paano na kung ako’y nangungulila at hindi ko
Madama ang init ng iyong halik?

Paano na nga ba? Lagi na lang akong nag-iisa..

10 july 04

melancholy

2004-07-10T11:25:00.000+08:00

Gusts of wind that slap the face
Hair gets caught in the mouth
Salt that flows over the eyes

A quiver trembles the lips
A sigh that escapes the breath
It seeps under the skin

Cold that touches goosebumps
Space devoid of joy
Brow over a frown

Hollow is the gaze
Limp in the limbs
Farewell to a smile...

...for a time.

04 jan 04

Borrowed Heaven (apologies to The Corrs)

2004-07-06T08:50:00.000+08:00

Stares of awestruck eyes
Unbelieving, dazed
Of the presence of a beloved
Mind reeling in attempting
to freeze the sweetness of a smile

Pulses race
Nervous laughter erupts
Hands meet and tightly squeeze for assurance
Skin tingles, body shivers from
the undeniable chemistry

A kiss and a sigh
Of wanting more
Crushing hugs and gentle whispers
envelop the lonely soul
Traces of tears behind the mask...

Gripping the edge
Clawing at empty air
Resisting hasty exits
Of sad goodbyes
Time slips away...

01 july 04

Paghanga (para kay Padre Ferriols, SJ)

2004-07-01T10:17:00.000+08:00

Sa iyong mga mahinahong salita
Sa iyong madasaling pagtahimik
Sa lakad na puno ng pag-iingat

Sa mga misteryosong ngiti
Sa laging saludong pagbati
Sa minsang pagbibiro (na pabasahin ako ng Griyego!)

Sa haba ng pasensiya
Sa pagpapakumbaba
Sa iyong pagkilala sa isang ‘ordinaryong’ nilalang

Pagkabighani…
Pagkamangha…
Paghanga…

23 June 04

my songs

2004-06-28T09:58:00.000+08:00

"DIVE"
Music by: Toto Sorioso
Lyrics by: me :)

Feel the soft breeze
Caress your face
Close your eyes and listen to me
Call you closer, strain and hear my call
Lift your feet and urge them
To jump higher
Fly and spread your wings and prepare to

Dive and enter my world
Share the flickering sunlight
And murky depths below
Feel the warm and cold
Trap your soul to me, forever
Dive and enter my world

Hmmm

Anyone can see right through me
How can you be afraid
What you see is what you get
Take a deep breath and take a

Dive and enter my world
Share the gentle ebb and flow
Or toss and bounce against the raging
Waves and sink into my arms forever
Dive and enter my world.

Go to where your heart leads you
And uncover the treasure you might see
Don’t fight the current that pulls you deeper
Make the leap and take a

Dive to enter my world
Share the flickering sunlight
And murky depth below
Feel the warm and cold
Trap your soul to me

Dive and enter my world
Share the gentle ebb and flow
Or toss and bounce against the raging waves
and sink into my arms forever
Dive and enter my world

GUESSING GAME
Music by: Toto Sorioso
Lyrics by: me!

I sit and stare
Wrinkle my brows in confusion
Elusive glances are all you can give

Tell me what’s on your mind
Tell me what I can find
Can you/Please find the words to say what
I’ve been waiting to hear all day

Downcast eyes
Deep, down and troubled
Lengthy silences
Travel in space
I’ve been trying always for you to

Tell me what's on your mind
Tell me what I can find
Please find the words to say what
I've been waiting to hear all day

Let go and let it be
For sweet surrender our painful agony
Relief from constriction is cathartic
So please…

Tell me what's on your mind
Tell me what I can find
Can you find the words to say what
I've been waiting to hear all day (2x)

Let down your guard
Let me break them down
Cut the chase to face me and...

Tell me what's on your mind
Tell me what I can find
PLease find the words to say what
I've been waiting to hear all day (2x)

Tell me...